Now during this time, you will do both. Pretty crying is when you sit and a couple of tears roll daintily down your cheeks and you sound a bit chocked up when you talk. This is for when you are making small talk in front of people and you are trying not to make a scene.
For all other times there is ugly crying. Ugly crying is my favourite and the most helpful. Sitting there sorting through his clothes, wearing one of his hoodies over your night gown because you decide to do this at 2am with one of his ties wrapped around your head like a ninja headband. Holding onto his favourite t-shirt with an odd quote on that you don’t really understand. Ugly crying has got your back. You have the puffy eyes, the running nose, the inability to breathe and the rocking back and forth. Do not wear mascara for the first couple of months after your partner has died unless you have the SUPER DUPER MEGA water proof shit, I mean unless you want to go full emo. The kind of emo, youths only can dream about.
Crying is a natural thing, we were made to cry. Hence the whole tear gland things. There is a wonderful quote I read about crying.
“Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.” ― Charlotte Brontë
Now there are a bunch of reasons why crying is important, helpful and actually healthy. (For men and woman.)
Crying helps with stress! It does. I feel at least 20% better after a good cry, locked away in the bathroom, sometimes in the middle of the content office in front of my workmates. Whenever, wherever crying is a thing.
Now science side, tears actually contain protein based hormones that help ward off chemicals that increase your stress levels (cortisol levels) so crying is scientifically proven to help with stress! Go and cry to your heart’s content.
It’s not a sign of weakness. Anyone that thinks that can fuck right off. It takes serious guts to admit in this society that no, you are not okay and yes, you need help. It is scary crying in front of people. I’m aware. The first time I cried in front of my boss I was mortified but then I remembered my life was shit and if they couldn’t handle me crying then they were a lot weaker than I was (Which made me feel a little better)
Crying also helps detox your body. I shit you not! Those chemicals I was talking about before will help flush out a butt ton of bad toxins in your system which make you feel more refreshed and revitalised. You won’t be keen to run a marathon but you might be able to go have that meeting you were meant to be at 20 minutes ago.
And the biggest one of course is the fact crying helps you move on. It’s a slow and tedious progress but crying helps, once you realise you are allowed to be emotional about the death of your loved one (AND TRUST ME YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE EMOTIONAL) it’s so much easier to clear your head and start systemically going through the healing process.
If it makes you feel better to know, today I cried for the following reasons:
- I found an almost empty jar of Cashew nut butter (Riley’s favourite)
- Berlioz saw a motorbike in a movie and started head-butting the screen
- I couldn’t open my milk
- I couldn’t close my milk
- The washing machine stopped randomly
- Someone told me they liked my hair
- One of the pegs came loose from my fort
- I wanted to wear a particular pair of tights but they were in the wash
And my personal favourite, I dropped a teaspoon.
Don’t let anyone tell you, you aren’t allowed to cry (men especially, it is okay, I promise!). It’s healthy and normal, it took a lot of people telling me it was okay to cry in front of people but once I realised that I could cry whenever I god damn pleased it got so much easier. Having a breakdown in front of someone is embarrassing but it gets to a stage where you don’t give a fuck. Not giving a fuck is something I learnt a lot of during this time. And something I will carry for the rest of my life. Don’t worry about your ‘image’, about societies views of you. Just do you. Your life is shit, I’m not going to lie. Losing a partner is definitely up there in the ‘shitty things to happen in a life’ list. You curl yourself into a ball and cry for a little while but then you pick yourself up, mascara down to your chin, puffy eyes and a tie wrapped around your head, fight on and make a life worth living.