That light at the end of the tunnel? It’s just an oncoming train.
You will have those days, like the ones you had before when everything gets too much. You have so much work, people in your personal life are making it hell, and things continue to go wrong even though you think you deserve a break considering what you went through.
I’m sorry to tell you, things don’t give you a break. Life continues to happen but it is twenty times worse because you don’t have that person to help you. You don’t have the strength to deal with that shit because you are using all your strength to get out of bed each morning.
So you sit there with no strength to do anything, with your life in fire around you and you want to yell at the person that caused you so much grief but a lot of the time you can’t and why? Multiple reasons really. You are worried people will get tired of hearing about it, it was an accident so it was nobody’s ‘fault’, the person who caused it is no longer around, there is no one to blame. When there is no one to blame, there is no one to take your anger out on.
So instead you snap. You snap about silly little petty things because you can’t snap about the death.
Today I snapped. Today I went on a rampage. Why? Because someone had taken one of my hot chocolate sachets. Which turned into a rage about why people at work were eating food that they shouldn’t. Now normally I would calmly address the situation, ask what I could do about it. Instead I ranted and raved like a crazy woman to anyone that would listen to me.
“Why would they touch snacks that didn’t belong to them?” “Why can’t people just have a bit of self-control?” etc
Upon getting home I had time to reflect. Sure, someone shouldn’t have taken my hot chocolate, sure, people shouldn’t be eating snacks they weren’t allowed. But that doesn’t give me the right to snap at them. That was the rage of the death talking (well yelling).
We often find ourselves bottling things up. I can’t yell at people about the fact that Mr Ma didn’t see Riley, I can’t yell at people about the fact the hospital didn’t see his brain swelling, I can’t even yell at him for not coming home to me. So instead of doing that, I bottle it up and then yell at people who take my hot chocolate.
It’s not meant to be like that. I didn’t go out of my way to yell at them. I wasn’t even that mad about it. It just got blown out of proportion. And this will happen. This will happen often. I don’t have many answers for this one as I am still working on it myself. Try not to blow up at the people who love you, instead go for a walk, and blow off steam that way. Maybe put on a super ragey song and sing along as you walk down the street. (Mouth along if you don’t feel confident singing.) Go to the gym and attack the punching bag. Take it out on inanimate objects (preferable soft. I punched a wall once. It won.) Or just take a nap. Naps help, I have napped so many times at work. Just curled up on the couch in the lunch room and gone to sleep. Afterwards I feel better, I continue on my day and I don’t random yell at my workmates over one hot chocolate sachet.
UPDATE: Joel, one of my workmates bought me a new box of hot chocolate even though it wasn’t him who took it. I love my workmates really.
P.s Here’s a cute photo of Riley and I’s first date. Walking up Mt Cargil at 5am so he could take photos of the sunrise. (True love right there)