“Leaving would imply suitcases and empty drawers, and late birthday cards with ten-dollar bills stuffed inside.”― Julie Kagawa, The Iron King
But this kind of leaving is different. There was no packing of suitcases, there will be no birthday cards, there’s just an empty home and a phone call I wish I could forget. There was no choice by either party. It just happened.
Today I went to my first counsellors appointment in a while (holidays and whatnot) and we were talking about a bunch of stuff. And just before the end she hit a nerve.
She asked if I felt like I was abandoning Riley when I think about living my life. I said “no, it’s my life. I’m not going to sit round doing nothing because he died, and I’m not going to feel bad for living my life.” To which she replied “Maybe you feel like he has abandoned you.”
Something struck a chord with that. I did feel abandoned. How dare he die and not come home to me, how dare he let me go through this alone, how dare he leave me in this time of need, which he also caused.
It’s not fair to blame him, it’s not fair to feel like he abandoned me but it’s something that you do feel sometimes.
Abandonment is a strong feeling, you can get it anywhere anytime. Animals that walk away while I’m trying to pat them, my bed when I have to go to work and when my partner didn’t come home after a drive.
Abandonment in its simplest form is about the loss of love. Separation by choice or not by choice, and through death.
Everybody seems to know about the initial pain caused by abandonment but as time goes by people forget. But it doesn’t go away, the feeling of abandonment continues generating sadness, self-doubt, insecurity, and fear. It will slowly suck away at your soul and self-esteem.
Understanding this grief and what you have been through helps you look over the damage you have received from your loss, and in time will help you to move on.
Unfortunately there isn’t a lot you can do about the abandonment feeling. Remind yourself every day they wanted to be with you but due to the freak force of nature it was not meant to be. Remind yourself it is not your fault they didn’t come back to you. It was out of your control. It was out of their control.
But mostly, don’t let the fear of being abandoned again get in the way of your life.
Riley judging me for taking to many photos during one of our breakfast dates.