You are going to go through a whirlwind of emotions when your love one dies but the biggest one will be loneliness.
The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly. —F. Scott Fitzgerald
You are watching your whole world fall apart, you have every right to feel totally alone. You can have a million people around you and you still will feel super alone but with feeling super alone comes great responsibility. You will get overly attached to people you probably shouldn’t, you will make mistakes based on your feelings but the important thing is you work through these things. I have found while on this journey is the importance of having a clear mind. And one of those things that helps with clearing your mind? Telling people exactly what you think of them. Positives and Negatives.
Letting them know that you don’t want to deal with their shit or maybe that they are the only person you want to talk to at a particular point in time. Whatever it is you need to let people know. If you aren’t worrying about what people think then it leaves more room in your mind for you to sort your own life.
For me it is like one of those puzzles. The ones that is a four by four grid that has a picture on one piece is missing and you have to move the pieces to make the picture but you can only move one square at a time. My brain is a lot like that so when I start to seriously like or dislike someone it fills up that square with stressing, and I can’t move anything else around.
Sometimes it helps to write a letter, whether you send it or not is up to you but write down your feelings. I don’t know what it is but it makes things clearer being written down. (Hence why I am attempting to write these blog posts)
But on the flip side you have to be really carefully about that loneliness, not acting on a whim because you want the comfort of being near someone for a little while. Try not to let your sad emotions take over and let you do things that you will not be proud of later. You won’t feel less lonely and it can and most of the time will make you feel 20 times worse.
I found a quote that I will now use every time some asks me how I’m doing, “My heart is a thousand years old. I am not like other people.” ― Charles Bukowski
I think this quote sums up me and my experience because I do feel old 99% of the time and I don’t feel like other people anymore, I feel like a freak, a walking circus freak. “Come pay 20p to stare at the widow woman.” I feel so lonely but I know I am not alone, circus freak or not I have my family, my friends, Riley’s family and friends. All of these people that help me in every way they can.
I know you are feeling lonely, but just because you are feeling lonely does not mean you are alone, you have many people around you, many people who care for you, many people who want to help you.
Just be careful who you trust. Some people will take advantage of your vulnerability. Some people will listen and then use your words against you. Hopefully you have someone in your life that you trust to the end of the world and back but if not there are helplines, there are councillors, and if all else fails there is me.
Riley being adorable and playing with sparklers. Later that evening he would light a firework which would hit me in the eye by accident. Lost a couple of brownie points for that I can tell you!