There are the days when you can’t do anything. Everyone has those but they are so much worse when you are in this situation, when you lose someone you love. Anyone you love, this isn’t solely for widows. THOSE days, they get so much harder.
When I got THOSE days, Riley was always the one to deal with them. Making me tea, patting my head, carrying me to bed when I cried myself to sleep on the lounge floor. He was a really good man but what did I do when he isn’t there to look after me?
I broke down. I hit a low patch, I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, didn’t go out or even talk to people. All these people trying to help me, and I didn’t want a bar of it. I wanted Riley. I told myself everyone had turned their back on me, I started being paranoid that people were watching my every move. I hated the world and with time because of my choices I grew to hate myself.
I had turned into a big ball of darkness and bitterness, I couldn’t look in the mirror because I was disgusted at myself, how far I had fallen. The bags under my eyes, the messy hair, and the same clothes I had worn for 3 days straight. But one day I decided I had had enough, I was so tired of being tired, I was tired of yelling, I was tired of crying. I was just so tired.
It was nothing special but one day I had a shower, another day I managed to finish a slice of pizza (with some encouraging/swearing from Joel). It was a long and tedious process and the war continues to rage on, some days Joel still has to remind me ‘eat your fucking pizza’, some days I sit on the edge of my bed and stare at a little spot on my wall but it’s the little wins. Making dinner for yourself, putting the washing on, remember your keys when you go out.
You have to remind yourself to keep going, I know it’s super shit but it will get better. I want to make a life that Riley would have been proud to be a part of. I wake up every day with the thought that today it will be better, today I will do something that I couldn’t yesterday and some times that doesn’t work but that doesn’t mean you give up, this means you try harder. Some days you just won’t be able to, I know this. but spending a day in bed does not mean you aren’t doing well, this doesn’t lessen your existence. This just means you need a mental health day, this means you need some time to think through things but the next day, that will be your day. That’s the day you go back to work, that’s the day where you put on your mascara, that is the day you make yourself proud and you become your own superhero.
Things will only get better if you make them better, if you grab life by the balls and say “listen up you little shit, you fucked with the wrong lady and you pushed me too far this time, sunshine” you will do better. What if Bill Gates had given up? J K Rowling? Wayne Gelman (Person who invented garlic bread)?
We wouldn’t have so many wonderful things in this world if these people gave up! You are capable of so many beautiful and wondrous things, you were not made to have a life full of bitterness and despair. We can make it if we try. I always found putting on a upbeat song when I wake up helps me to get out of bed, I started leaving snacks in my bedside table so I could still eat even if I couldn’t get out of bed and I just keep telling myself that Riley was so proud of me.
You can do this, you may get knocked down, and you may cry. You may scream, you may spend 4 days in bed but you will do this and you will be so much stronger when you make it out the other side.
The fort Riley helped me make when I was having one of THOSE days.