People often ask me. “What is the worst part of losing your partner?”

First of all, not an overly appropriate question, DO NOT ask your local widow woman this. But the first time I got asked, I had to give it serious thought. Everything is terrible about losing your partner.

Things that suck about your partner dying:

  • Lack of said partner being alive
  • Have to organise a butt ton of stuff
  • Dealing with the situation not only mentally but also financially
  • No longer having a partner (I know I said it twice it’s kind of important)

But then it hit me, the worse part of having the person you love and care about most in the world die.

The lack of them being around you. And it seems kind of simple but if you think about it that is the worst thing.

I went from having a partner that I could rely on for everything at any time. 24/7 he was there, ready to hug, ready to make me smile, ready to do anything in his power to make me happy. And in a space of 3 days I had nothing. I had all of these people around me and none of them are the one that I want.

I lie on the floor of my bedroom more then I am willing to admit because all I want is a hug and I have no one to just come in from a different room of the house, hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be okay. And those are the times I miss him the most. When I need a hug. It’s so little and so basic but it affects me more than anything else.

Not only that but you have to grow up so fast. Like learning Santa Claus isn’t real at 5 years old. You have all these things to organise; the funeral, the estate, and their belongings. You have been entrusted with responsibility that you do not want. A bunch of things you didn’t think and shouldn’t have had to deal with until you were like 60+.

I feel like I aged more the day Riley died then the rest of my life put together. I wake up and look in the mirror expecting to see a grey haired, wrinkly prune faced old woman. The kind of widow woman you read about in books.

There she was, huddled over her cane shuffling down the street, the weight of a life time of sadness on her shoulders. Her coat, like the wrinkles on her face, worn down from years of battling the storms. You could tell just by looking at her that the light from her eyes went out a long time ago. For her there was nothing left but memories and the faded dream of happily ever after.

“Growing up happens when you start having things you look back on and wish you could change -Clary Fray”
― Cassandra ClareCity of Ashes

You will wish you could change what happened forever and always, go back and tell them to stay a little longer, not go out, pick up something, anything that meant they would not travel down the road to death but the time travel thing doesn’t work. The science is impossible and I have watched way too many movies about it to risk it. The only thing you can do is decide what to do with the path you have been given.

Whether you sit and sulk about how unfair it all is or whether you go out there and love, live and make the person that you love proud of you, is completely your choice and your choice alone.

I have not and will not let the death of Riley define my life. I miss him, I am sad every day and this will continue affecting me for the rest of my life but I will not let it beat me for I am strong. And you shouldn’t let it beat you either for you are also strong!

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Riley with a warm little Berlioz scarf – Also if you like my blog you should click here and give it a like so you can stay up to date with posts and it will help me prove to publishers that someone reads these!!

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