Today is my birthday, getting older. Now I’m a 23 year old widow. I don’t feel like celebrating, I don’t feel like hitting the town. I feel like I am 80 years old and want to sleep though it and forget it exists.
The day will be the same for everyone else around me whether he was here or not. I would still go to work for the day, have my workmates say Happy Birthday, then go to my parents for dinner and cake, maybe later in the week have a celebration with my friends.

The only difference is that he isn’t here. He won’t wake me up by putting Berlioz on my face while I slept. There won’t be a motorbike following my scooter as I drive up to my parents. I won’t watch him interact with my family. He won’t very badly and purposely off-key help sing Happy Birthday with my family. There will be no present cabletied closed. He won’t cuddle up to me as we go to sleep, telling me he hoped I had a good birthday.

First time in a while.

It’s going to be a year of firsts. I had his first birthday without him, my first birthday and in May our anniversary. I have already done so many firsts, first social occasion without him, first road trip, first Christmas, all of these occasions that he should have been at. Occasions where I had to hold my head up high and make it look like I was totally fine or people get weird.

For Riley’s birthday I could keep myself busy, pretend I wasn’t hurting inside, distracting myself by visiting the otters at Australia Zoo.  They are so cute and fluffy. Riley liked otters, not as much as some other animals though.

Today, I can’t hide away in a different country. Today I went to work and made the effort to feel okay. Sometimes that’s all you need, for a brief amount of clarity. Just to pretend you are okay. If you pretend enough you get a slight bit of peace for a little while. Fake it to you make it I guess?

My birthday has gone surprising well considering, went to the beach at lunchtime, everyone was lovely, got a bunch of flowers and a card from my workmates who also said such nice things. Got some rad as hell presents and every now and again I felt like it was okay. I was okay. But still so alone.
To my darling,

It’s my first birthday without you and while I’m sad, while I long for you to be here, I still take a moment to be thankful for the birthdays we did share and the people still here. – xx

“I will never forget the moment your heart stopped and mine kept beating” – Angela Miller

Riley opening his birthday pressie of tea!


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