The silver linings are pretty much non-existent. And in my opinion it’s a dumb suggestion. I got told to help me through each day, to start off by remembering the good times and thinking of silver linings. Write them down, each day to look over when you are sad.

The good times, that is easy. We had so many good times but silver linings? Not a thing. Really.

People tell me there is always a silver lining in these situations, I am yet to find any particular ones. I’m less inclined to agree with this.  I don’t think the silver linings that I can think of will ever make me feel better.

Silver linings like:

No one steals the covers anymore.

There is always hot water.

I’m debt free because of the estate.

 

“There is always a silver lining, even if it’s really small.” Right about that one, they are so tiny, so unimportant and I would much rather sleep without any blankets, have no hot water and be on the run from a loan shark if it meant Riley came back but it doesn’t work like that. So instead of trying to figure out the “silver linings” my suggestion is you need to concentrate on the happier times.

“Strange, how the best moments of our lives we scarcely notice except in looking back.”
― Joe AbercrombieRed Country

I have so many memories of the good times that I had forgotten about until after Riley died. These special little memories that hold something so much more now. They hold my sanity. They hold my strength. They are the reason I make it out of bed each morning and the reason I make it through the darkness of the night.

So I will not tell you there are silver lining and to look for them but I will remind you to think of the good time. Think about a time, they were proud of you. Think about the first time they said they loved you, the time you knew they were the one for you.

I know it will be difficult. I have been there. Sometimes I still have trouble thinking about the good times. Sometimes when I close my eyes I see him, lying in the hospital, blanket up to his chin, the horrible sound he made when he breathed. Or after when he was lying in the coffin, his hair brushed in an unnatural way (I messed it up just how he liked it) and so solemn and cold. Those images haunt my dreams. Its very hard to get past that memory, its so vivid, engrained in my brain. Sometimes I am so wrapped up in his death that I don’t give myself a chance to celebrate his life. Sometimes I can’t think back with fondness because I am too busy filling my mind with the images of the hospital and made up ones of the accident. But I push past them. He deserves so much more, he deserves to be thought about in a positive and happy way. We had two and a half years of mostly fantastic and fun stories to think about and I’m only concentrating on the last 2 and a half days? (Not today, messed up brain)

It will be difficult and upsetting remember, sometimes it’s the last thing you want to think about but slowly the thought of them, the thought of their laugh, the thought of his hand on your cheek, they will help you get out of bed in the morning and help you sleep at night.

 

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The grins of two people in love. That is the smile that keeps me going. 

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