I haven’t managed to do much writing this week, sorry about this. But this week I wanted to run away, I didn’t want to go near a bus because I was afraid I would either get on it and see where it took me or throw myself under it. No rhyme or reason to how I was feeling. I was just depressed.
For no reason, I lost my cool. One minute, sitting round eating lunch, discussing totally work appropriate things, next sitting at my desk debating whether this is worth it or not.
On Tuesday I went to the doctor to discuss a new therapist. I decided I needed more help, way more help than I had. Don’t get me wrong, my family, friends, boyfriend etc. all solid people to help but sometimes you need someone actually trained in the art of dealing with people’s problems. Unfortunately due to New Zealand’s shitty mental health care sector, I won’t have anyone new to talk to for about a month.
I told my doctor I wanted to run away, I told him I wanted give up and I told him I just wanted to stop feeling like this. I’m so tired I told him, so tired of being sad and so tired of being stressed, I don’t sleep, my eating fluctuates like nothing else and I can’t go a week without getting some sort of sickness due to these things.
We decided that I should get something for the mental pain.
He didn’t want to give me anything after the accident because it was grief but by now it should be getting easier and for a brief while it did but out of nowhere it got worse again.
Anti-depressants. It’s a big scary prescription to have.
For three days I sat at home trying to come to grips with my new medication. I’m still not sleeping and my eating still fluctuates but now they are side effects of the medication.
Last night I went to a party and I felt better, I managed to laugh, and be social without the evening ending in tears. So slowly I am becoming use to the medication but I have had a couple of incidents with it. I’m a lot less tolerant of people apparently. I become irritated a lot more often and a lot easier. Accidentally striking out at the people I love.
I have to keep reminding myself, “Depression isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of being strong for too long.”
I’m going back to work tomorrow so I’ll let you know how that goes…..