I just stopped going to my therapist because I thought I was doing really well.

But now shit has hit the fan and I’m not sure what to do. Let me tell you a long winded story of my partner’s memorial.

When Riley died, his Sister Sarah wanted to do something special. So she organised a memorial for him to be out where he died. His mother on the other hand wanted nothing to do with it. Sarah asked her many times if she wanted to help but each time she did not.

So with a small bit of help from me, Sarah sorted it. She got favours from her friends, her partner did all the building side of it etc. All up it ended up being a lot cheaper because of people helping their friends. Oamaru can be good like that. We put the memorial in place with the permission of the NZTA and the Oamaru district council.

A year later ‘someone’ complains about the area and makes a note of the memorial. The NZTA looks into it and realises it’s not what they thought it was (due to a contractor in Oamaru fucking up) and now it needs to moved.

After public out lash they agreed it could stay only to have them change their minds two days later and suddenly it needs to be moved again.

The meetings go on, on where it should be moved to. Riley’s mum wants to put it in her back yard which is meet with both myself and Sarah not agreeing to it. (We would never be allowed to visit it)

Then the NZTA give us a couple of options about where it could go. Riley’s Mum wants to put it in Palmerston. Sarah and I want it in Oamaru.

Recently I found out that I am not longer allowed to be a part of the decision making process because it’s a family issue. And only being his girlfriend for 2 and a half years isn’t good enough apparently. But the NZTA man assures me it won’t be moved without people getting along and deciding together so luckily Sarah will listen to my input.

Unfortunately if Sarah and her mum don’t agree on a place it will go to the next of Kin. Riley’s mum. Who didn’t want it in the first place. Sarah who did all that work will be left with nothing.

But if it’s moved to Palmerston I won’t be able to see it. I don’t have a licence and the only time I travel that way is to go up to Oamaru. I doubt the bus would let me have an hour break to visit him and cry.

So now I’m not really sure what I should/can do. Sarah and Riley’s mum has to make the decision due to the shitty law not recognising me as his partner. And if Riley’s mum wants to keep it, all she has to do is just not agree with anywhere Sarah suggests.

If Riley’s mum gets her way on either options that she wants I will either never or hardly ever get to see him again.

Feeling very small and very angry. I want to run away. I want to leave this silly little town behind. Find a big city where nobody knows me or what has happened to me. I feel like I’m suffocating. Being a widow is hard. Being a widow who is plagued with widow like things a year and a half later is so incredibly hard and also so unfair.

All I keep thinking is “When do I get to live my life again?”

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