Today I did something I never thought I would. I shared in my class what happened to Riley. A group of about 10 people.

Some context, I decided to go back to school and get into midwifery. Help bring some good into this world to counteract the pain and heartache that I have dealt with.

Today we were discussing the different aspects to Te Whare Tapa Wha. This is the Maori model of wellbeing for medical professions.

I asked the teacher about what the spiritual wall represented in those of us who weren’t religious. Getting a few different answers and hearing the openness around me I was feeling confident in my ability to share my story, why I was here, why I didn’t have religion on my spiritual ‘wall’ anymore.

About 3 seconds in, i knew it was a mistake, well maybe not a mistake but I knew it was going to be difficult. A bunch of people I had met not 2 weeks ago and here I was baring my soul to them.

Why did I feel so comfortable? Why did I want to tell them?

Because they were like me. They had a past that they had problems in and they were working towards a new career choice to make the world a better place, some of them because of a traumatic moment in their past.

They were all were so respectful, they listened and nodded. There was no laughter, there was no prodding for more information, they just wanted to hear as much or as little as I was willing to say. It was a wonderful bonding session and I appreciate all of them for how they acted.

But honestly and truly, will this get any easier? Will I one day have the ability to tell the story of a man who I loved and lost and not be moved to tears. (It’s obviously better then it was, I got through the story this time, that’s a good sign right?)

The answer unfortunately lies in my future, I have no definitive one for now, and for now I do not believe it is a possibility.

For now I will take the victory of having classmates who care, and the victory that I still do not care if I cry in front of people I don’t know and the victory of knowing that I still love him more than most things in this world. (Apart from Berlioz really)

Luckily (and I checked this) I will not get marked down for crying in my presentation. (Thank goodness)

-A x



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